S and M
by Nicole Marie1
Summary: This is a crazy fanfic that mocks Sheridan and Luis on Passions


Sex and Murder By: ( Nicole (  
  
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with JER, Passions, NBC, or any of the characters and I don't own any of them. I'm just borrowing them for now. So don't sue me.I'm just a hopeless Passions fan!  
  
BEFORE YOU READ THIS FANFIC: This is an EXTREMELY strange fan fiction that I wrote for absolutely no reason. I was bored out of my mind and, being the obsessive Passions fan that I am, I decided to write something having to do with Passions. Shuis fans: do not be offended. I know you might be because I AM AN OBSESSIVE SHUIS FAN! In fact, Sheridan and Luis are the only reason that I really watch Passions. I love them! That is the reason I wrote about them (even if I'm making fun of them), because they are the only characters good enough to write about! Sorry if I offend anyone.Enjoy this fanfic if you can! (  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It was a typical day in Harmony. There had been four murders (you know, the kind where people aren't really dead), seven "I know what's going on here" situations, three surprising revelations about past love affairs and other tabloid-material-like secrets, and a freak thunderstorm with lightning bolts zapping people and whole neighborhoods sinking into the ground in a mere matter of minutes (34 days tv time/normal Earth time). A common occurrence. Watching the televison at his fiancé, Sheridan's cottage, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald turned to his head to stare at his amazingly perfect fiancé, who was drinking her fifth bottle of wine for the day.  
  
Luis: Can you believe what a day it's been? First Grace Bennet kicks out her daughter Kay on the streets, then Chad murders his father who turns out to be your brother, and then Theresa jumps off a cliff with the hope that Ethan will save her. Wow. And the station hasn't even called me once today! (He laughs and takes a sip of his beer).  
  
Sheridan: Why would the station call you Luis? You are, after all, my bodyguard.  
  
Luis: Oh.right, I forgot!  
  
Sheridan: Even though Pierre and Roger are in prison for the rest of their lives, I still need protection. I don't know if I'll survive another threat to my life. I mean, how many people live through being in a mudslide, being buried alive, being in an explosion, and almost drowning? I'd like to see Charity top that!  
  
Luis: No one gets in more dangerous situations than my Sheridan...Come here baby. (kisses her). I love you.  
  
Sheridan: OH Luis! I love you too. (leads him to the bedroom).(in a seductive voice) I think it's time we work up an appetite before your underpaid mother serves us dinner.  
  
Luis: Good idea. I love the way you think. You're the second most sexy person I know!  
  
Sheridan: (Getting angry) What! Who's the first! You're cheating on me aren't you! (Working up the tears now) Oh Luis! How could you do this to me.after all the things we've been through and after all of the love we shared (in hysterics now) Your using me! Just like Jean-Luc and all the other men I've loved used me! You are just like all of them.why you're nothing but a liar and a cheater! How could you do this to me Luis.How could you do this to us.And just when things seemed to be going really great.we were going to start a family and have children and gets pets and a small house and a stationwagon .  
  
Luis: Sheridan! Relax! I'm not cheating on you!  
  
Sheridan: You're not?  
  
Luis: No. I would never do that to you. (Running his fingers through her hair).(in a cute voice) I love you and only you and I would never betray your trust.  
  
Sheridan: But you said.  
  
Luis: Oh that! Don't worry Sheridan. I'm the sexiest person I know! So you see there's no reason to worry. I'm yours and only yours.  
  
Sheridan: Oh Luis! I love you so much!  
  
Luis: I love you too! Now lets have sex.we've wasted too much of the viewer time already.  
  
Sheridan: (In a gleeful voice) Okay! (Sheridan grabs Luis at the same time he grabs her and they start passionately kissing. They lie down on the bed, rip each other's clothes off, and the fans are satisfied).  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
An hour later, Sheridan is sleeping peacefully in bed and Luis is in front of the mirror flexing his muscles. Suddenly the doorbell rings and it's their good buddy Hank. Luis answers the door and Hank smiles an evil smile and points a gun at Luis.  
  
Luis: Hey Hank, How are y- (he silences when he sees the gun) Hey man what are you doing. wait, I know what's going on here. (after an eternity of silence otherwise known as a scene change and endless commercials, Luis repeats the question) So Hank? What are you doing? .Oh wait I get it. You are practicing your gun-holding technique so you can take out those thugs who are trying to take out Sheridan. Well, you're holding the gun right. Come by later and I'll show you how to use it. Thanks for stopping by. I'll tell Sheridan you said hi. (Luis closes the door on Hank's face and goes into the bedroom to see if Sheridan is up for another six rounds of sex).  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Exhausted after their persistent lovemaking, Luis falls into a deep sleep while Sheridan still manages to summon up the strength to get a snack in the kitchen. She decides to make something simple and easy so it will be at least somewhat edible.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Two hours and thirty-seven minutes later, Sheridan is still in the kitchen, trying to make a snack.  
  
Sheridan: Damn it! Why won't this microwave cooperate! (Sheridan tries to pry it open with her long, always perfectly-manicured nails.  
  
(suddenly the doorbell rings)  
  
Sheridan: Hmmmmm.I wonder who that could be. (Opening the door) Hank! How good to see you! I haven't heard from you in a while! (Hank just stands there, holding the gun at her chest with the same evil smile on his face) Hank.what are you doing with that gun? I told you already.I'm not in any danger, it's all in Luis's mind! I can't believe how paranoid Luis is making all of us! ( getting more and more frustrated by the minute) Damn Luis! First, he chases me to Pairs, then I have one bodyguard, and then two, and now Luis has us all walking on eggshells! He gets on my nerves so much sometimes! (Resuming a sweet voice again) But thanks for stopping by Hank.I really appreciate it.I'll see you later. ( Sheridan closes the door on Hank who remains standing still, pointing the gun, with an evil smile on his face.  
  
Sheridan walks back into the kitchen and continues attempting to pry open the microwave.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
After ninety-seven more minutes at the microwave, Sheridan finally gives up. She walks into bed only to find the bed empty. Wondering where Luis could be, she walks back into the living room, only to find talking to himself and flexing his muscles.  
  
Luis: Sheridan baby. There you are. I was looking all over for you!  
  
Sheridan: Well I'm back now and (seductively) I think we should make up for the lost time.  
  
Luis: (with a sexy smile) I'm ready when you are. (Luis pulls her to him and plants kisses all over her face and neck.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Luis and Sheridan lay entwined on the couch, exhausted once again from their relentless lovemaking.  
  
Sheridan: Wow Luis! That was amazing.I never knew it could be like this, did you?  
  
Luis: No I didn't! Even with all the girls I slept with throughout middle school and high school, none of them were as in good in bed as you are!  
  
Sheridan: oh Luis.you say the sweetest things. I'm so glad that-  
  
(the doorbell rings)  
  
Both Luis and Sheridan get up and go to the door.  
  
Sheridan: I wonder who that could be.  
  
Luis: Let's go find out.  
  
They open the door and there still stands Hank, pointing the gun at them, smiling an eviler (if possible) smile.  
  
Luis: What are you doing here again?  
  
Sheridan: Did you want something Hank?  
  
Hank continues smiling and prepares to fire at his unsuspecting victims.  
  
Luis: Come on man, put that thing away before someone gets hurt.  
  
Sheridan: He's right Hank, you should be more careful with that thing.  
  
Then, without warning, Hank aims the gun at Sheridan first, and prepares to shot her.  
  
Sheridan: Hank.what are you doing?  
  
Finally realizing Hank's intentions, her eyes widen in terror and she grabs Luis's arm. Hank fires at Sheridan and she falls to the floor in a heap.  
  
Luis: NOOOOO! Sheridan! Hank how could you-  
  
His words end in silence as Hank turns the gun on him and fires. Luis falls to the ground beside Sheridan. Hank lowers the gun and his evil smile is replaced with a smirk. Hal, the FBI agent comes out of hiding and approaches Hank.  
  
Hal: Good work Hank, a job well done. It's just a shame that you had to wait so long to get them both together. Luis would have called the station in a minute if he had heard a gunshot.Well, now it's a nice even six murders for Harmony today. Those Julian and Rebecca characters were easier to get rid of. Whiney and Chad were pretty simple too. To think, we eliminated all of the sex in Harmony with one gun!. Now all we have to do is eliminate the supernatural aspects of the show and then the viewers will be saved from having to waste an hour of their day, tuning in to NBC. I'm so glad Reily picked us for this job!  
  
Hank just turns towards Hal and said:  
  
Hank: I've been waiting three years to do that.  
  
The End 


End file.
